Touching the void

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When I am creating, I touch that quiet place deep inside me and listen. It is very much like sitting next to a large pool of water and throwing a stone into it.

The waves reflect and refract as I feel for the next words just out of my reach. So many feelings that I try to describe in that place. Words are inadequate.

So I do my best with the tools I have.

Sometimes whole creations will ascend out of that pool and I feel exuberant. Other times I sit and come back calm and quiet. I guess it is my form of meditation.

I have met unbearable beauty and terrifying monsters in that depth.

I learned that when I come back and touch the physical world that it is a mirror of what I see there.

Some writers have a muse or they induce these states with alcohol. I’ve found that alcohol does not help me write. It only smooth the edges for a little while. So alcohol is my kriptonite because I could not do this without the edge that sees into the depth.

I think I am broken in some way– my self has cracks. I don’t believe everyone can do this. Most only see the physical and the rational. I have a brain that makes connections that don’t seem right in the short term, but is very right when seen from the long perspective.

Sometimes my dreams are more real than this world. But then after slipping to the void, I wonder if this is a dream– all of it.

Are we the dream or the dreamers?

A Natural Cycle

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A Natural Cycle

Soil slips through my fingers
I wiggle them like worms
and lay my cheek
listening to the earth’s heart

One day
they will lay me down
sprinkle my ashes
and I’ll be gone

Not gone–
nothing really dies
For earth absorbs us
into new life

Cyn Bagley (c) 2021

Autumn Musings

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I’m still dragging from the medical appointments of last week. I keep telling myself that the goal is almost in sight. I’ll get the pre-qualificatons done and then I’ll be waiting for a kidney.

For the last few years it has been hard to see past dialysis. I knew that I was rushing towards dialysis in 2003 when my kidneys failed big time. I have coaxed and babied my kidneys until last year when I ended up on petroneal dialysis. For the first time I am seeing past kidney transplant.

Maybe I’ll be less attached to a machine and more able to go places. I miss the ocean and the beach. It is more than that word “miss.” I yearn to set down on the beach with my feet in the water, listening to the waves hit the rocks and being sprayed by the oncoming waves.

It is the movement and the water that impresses me. I have sat near a lake and even kicked my feet in the water, but it doesn’t draw me back like the ocean.

In my minds eye I walk at the edge with my dog Foxy. She tiptoes throught the water and gives me those big brown eyes. She doesn’t like that much water or even rain. It would make me laugh and I would pick her up. Maybe try to acclimatize her to the water. She would resist. She’s a senior dog that knows her mind. So I’m seeing a future again. It’s been twenty years since I saw past where I am now.

It is unusual for me to be goalless. I don’t plan to the tiniest detail. I do it in broad strokes. After I had been out of the military for a few years, I decided to finish a goal that I had had on my list since I was six years old. I wanted a college degree. I was 38 and older than most of the students there. I think I did better because I was more mature and knew how to absorb the material. This was after I had been an electronic technician in the Navy.

Navy training is very compressed and stressful. We did an entire two year degree in a few months. I was out in the field in a specialty in two years. Then a few months working with another tech before I was considered good enough to take a shift on my own. Within two years I was training other techs.

So when I went back to get a degree, I knew I could do it. I personally think there are too many “non” major classes to get through. So many of the students didn’t know how to write a paper or do math. Some of the newer students didn’t get the background they should have gotten in elementary school. Needless to say, I smoked my classes and ended up as the top student of my graduating class.

I do love to learn new things.

Unfortunately, I had that twenty year hiatus that killed my natural ambition. It was disease and it was the medications.

But, if I had not gotten ill, I wouldn’t have written fiction. If I had not gotten ill, I would have gone into teaching or some type of adult education.

If you know me now, you wouldn’t think I would have the courage to stand in front of strangers and teach a subject. But then, the world was at my feet and I could do anything.

It’s a different world and I’m a different person.

Medical Appointments

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Last week I had a doctor’s appointment every day for pre-transplant kidney tests. My primary care doctor told me that I could still call my cardiologist and get them to do the last few tests. But, when I called the cardiologist office they said that they needed a referral because the tests were expensive.

So I walked-in to my primary care doctor’s office again. I had to wait for an hour to get a referrel. Both my doctor and I were annoyed because I have to go round and round to get every thing on the list. We had a good laugh. The PCP (primary care physician) is getting slammed because the specialty doctors are not doing their jobs. Anyway, we eventually laughed about it and I thanked her very much. She is the only one who is pushing for me so she deserved my thanks.

It means I spent a half-day in her office so I could get a referrel for a required test at my cardiologist’s office who will probably send me somewhere else to get the test. I’m tired.

So no good posts. Hopefully I’ll have something good to write about in the next couple of days.