It’s hard to explain how I can be here and not be here. For months I have been sitting on my brown recliner, playing digital games, watching youtube, and cuddling with the little black dog, Foxy.
Even after a full night of sleep, my brain feels like I have a three day hangover. I take a nap and drag from bed to chair, turn on the TV, and then I stare sluggishly at the box until my brain decides to go into first gear.
I may have a few moments of the day when I have enough energy to to take the dog for a walk. The last month I walked to the front of the building and then sat on a lounge chair watching the birds and clouds. Maybe I’ll talk to one or two of the residents.
You may wonder why I didn’t think this was unusual. It’s because this last year I’ve been living and walking through a fog where my brain and body didn’t seem to want to move. Once I am in this downward spiral, I don’t even notice. I just drift away.
Yes, there is something physically wrong with me and it is not age. I received a call from my nephrologist’s office about two weeks ago. My kidney function had dropped from 13 percent to 10 percent in less than two weeks. She wanted me to get a PD catheter and start dialysis as soon as possible.
Feeling like I was walking through early spring mud, I managed to get my labs and surgery pre-ops orders done. After the surgery, I dealt with the pain and painkillers. Then I had my first flush last week.
The change was immediate. I was talking faster. I was interested in things other than the idiot box. Food tasted better. I could think.
I don’t know what the next phase of my life is going to be. I hope that I can sit down and write again. I hope That my brain will have enough connections and be filtered enough that I can do more than write a sentence or two.